Friday, February 26, 2010

PSA (Publice Service Announcement)

You are watching The Bachelor and you begin to crave something for a snack.

You open the fridge in hopes of finding something that will satisfy your craving.

You begin digging through packages, foil, plastic container, etc.

You even do a sniff test of a few questionable items.Need help identifying the food in your fridge?
How can you tell if it is safe to eat?

As a public service, I am going to help you avoid death via food poisoning.

Before digesting, complete one or more of the following procedures:

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled.

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese.

If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled.

This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

It never spoils.

It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you OPEN them.

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

H/T to Missy


jojo said...

gah! or is it *gag* funny stuff..;p

Grandma J said...

Great info. Now I lost my appetite. Can't wait to watch the Bachelor and gag when he picks Vienna. Jake is really getting on my nerves.

Carole said...

I LOL'd... brings back WONDERFUL memories of cleaning out the refrigerator when I was a child :D. /sarc

Love you MOM!

Linda said...

I didn't really make this up, but I could have, I guess!

I'm sorry you lost your appetite, Grandma J! I've never watched 'The Bachelor'. I see enough of it on the trailers.

Carole, maybe we can clean it out when you come home in March! LOL! Love you too.

the malcontent said...

Thanks for your comments on my blog Linda, you seem to be one of my biggest fans. I guess you know real talent when you see it.

Have a great weekend.