Early Valentine

Monday Funnies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
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Mental Quiz

THE TRICK IS TO FIND THE MAN IN THE COFFEE BEANS:

This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, 'Why didn't I see him immediately?'

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

And, yes, the man is really there!!

Requiem in Pacem...

25 years ago today...

The Challenger blew up on launch at 79 seconds, 9 nm high.

We lost seven good people, trying their best to improve our lives.

Take a moment and remember please...

H/T Old NFO

The Dreaded Stairs [HQ]

There is a set of stairs, with a moving escalator next to it .... both of which lead to the same spot on the floor of the upper level. At first no one took the stairs, almost 97% of the people took the escalator. Okay. I think that could be a normal expected result. Then a group of engineers got together, and decided they wanted to change the percentage around. Notice what these scientists did. Clever huh. And now they have reversed the percentages, as a whopping 66% more people take the stairs, than ride the escalator.

Peeling Potatoes

I've seen this before, but had forgotten it. Maybe you have done the same!

Jesus Loves Me

Here's a story that was sent to me today. It touched my heart, and I hope it will touch yours.

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak...... "When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... the only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ....... "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, we are weak but He is strong..... Yes, Jesus loves me..... The Bible tells me so." When he finished, the church was quiet.. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it. A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best." "Senior version of Jesus Loves Me" Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of Jesus Loves Me. JESUS LOVES ME Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him. (CHORUS) YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO. Though my steps are oh, so slow, With my hand in His I'll go On through life, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way. (CHORUS) When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song.. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near." (CHORUS) When my work on earth is done, And life's victories have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love. (CHORUS) I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, That I love Him every day. (CHORUS) If you think this is neat, please pass it on to your friends. If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "reach out and touch" a friend or a loved one.

The Story of our Lives

Another Funny Email...

As we progress into the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.


AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.


I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe.


THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.


Oh, by the way...


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Do You Believe Some Info in Emails? For a Second or Two?

H/T from my friend, Missy

2011 NY Prayer

Dear God, my prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year. AMEN!!!

Simple Ingredients

Getting Snow?

A diary of one person's love of snow...

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again.

December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska...

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.)

December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.)

December 20: Power's back on and had another 14" of the stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying...)

December 22: White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)

December 23: Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.)

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snow plow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank.

December 26: Still snowed in.

December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me crazy!!!!!!

December 29: Another 10" & neighbor says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9" in forecast.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shoveling.

January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Old Friends

I'm sorry I've been missing this week. The 'Crud' came for a visit, and has decided it likes it here, so it has stayed. I am ready to kick it out of the house!

The holidays are over; a new congress has been sworn in; the New Year started with the shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Gifford,. It is so good to know that our God is still in control, but we do need prayer.

Anyway, here is a little funny for all of my 'older' friends. (You younger ones should read it too, because your day is coming...faster than your think!)

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE,SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

- Observations on Growing Older ~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect! ~Going out is good..Coming home is better! ~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!" ~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them. ~You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! ~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds. ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf. ~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember. ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. ~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep". ~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident! ~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married... Now, "I hope they STAY married!" ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.. ~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table. ~You used to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ??? ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. ~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M. ~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it. ~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots. ~Everybody whispers. ~Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job! ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear. ~~~~But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!! Love you, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!

The Top Ten Predictions for 2011

1. The Bible will still have the answers.

2. Prayer will still work.

3. The Holy Spirit will still move.

4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.

5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.

6. There will still be singing of praise.

7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.

8. There will still be room at the Cross.

9. Jesus will still love you.

10. Jesus will still save the lost.
(author unknown)

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(click on phrase)