It can be a challenge keeping a straight face as a
court reporter. The following are from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually [or supposedly] said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old
is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
* * * * * * *
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with
male.
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