Guess What I Did Today!

Coffee Hurts

Received via Email today!

I was eating lunch on the 19th of February with my 7-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"  She said "It's President's Day!"  She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"  I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.  She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."  It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

Cheesy Valentine jokes

Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.

What did the letter say to the stamp? You send me.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? I'm stuck on you.

What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.

What is a ram's favorite song? I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean? One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her? Antelope.

What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an apple.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

What did the valentine card say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go places!

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!

What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day? I Love Ewe!

What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day? Owl be yours!

What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!

What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!

What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day? I'm nuts about you!

What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day? You're nuts so bad yourself!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did the bat say to his girlfriend? You're fun to hang around with.

What did one light bulb say to the other? I love you a whole watt!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? I love you a ton!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? I'm sweet on you!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses!

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pin cushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper? I dot my i's on you!

What did one pickle say to the other? You mean a great dill to me.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

Garfield on the Oil Crisis

SHORT AND TO THE POINT!!
GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS 
YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD 'S EXPLANATION -- TOO CUTE & ALSO TOO TRUE!!!

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
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Well, there's a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn't know we were getting low.
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The reason for that is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located in:
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ALASKA
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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Coastal Alabama
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Coastal Mississippi
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Coastal Texas
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North Dakota
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Wyoming
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Colorado
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
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And
Texas
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Our dipsticks are located in DC
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Any Questions?
NO? Didn't think So.

PSA

My daughter said this was a hoax, so I've removed it.

Isaiah 65:24

 

Isaiah 65:24   Isa 65:24 ¶ And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear. .     Joseph was in the pit waiting to die, when the Caravan arrived to take him to Egypt . The Caravan had been on it's way many months. God had prepared for Joseph many months before he needed it. He will do the same for you.  Read on....     --"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God."   THIS WILL TRULY LIFT YOU UP SPIRITUALLY. ENJOY & BELIEVE. Isaiah 65:24 This is a story written by a doctor who worked in Africa ... . One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive; as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator) nor any special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). 'And it is our last hot water bottle!' she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. 'All right,' I said, 'put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts Your job is to keep the baby warm.' The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During prayer time, one ten -year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. 'Please, God' she prayed, 'Send us a hot water bottle today It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon.' While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, 'And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?' As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say ' Amen?  I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses’ training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly-colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, 'If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!' Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked, 'Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?' 'Of course,' I replied! That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it 'that afternoon.' 'Before they call, I will answer.' (Isaiah 65:24) When you receive this, say the prayer. That's all I ask. No strings attached. Just send it on to whomever you want - but do send it on. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards. Let's continue praying for one another. This awesome prayer takes less than a minute. Heavenly Father, I ask you to bless my friends reading this. I ask You to minister to their spirit. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them. Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, guidance, and strength. Where there is fear, reveal our love and release to them Your courage. Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them. I ask You to do these things in Jesus ' name. Amen P. S. Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both. Passing this on to one not considered a friend is something Christ would do. God Bless & Keep You Always in His Care!! This story reminds me of a missionary lady we heard speak at Western Bible Institute.  Margaret Laird and her husband were missionaries in the jungles of Africa.  They had answers to prayers like this one many, many times. If you ever get the chance, please read her book: "They Called Her Mama".  It is a blessing.

Today's Media/Heroism

Read on FaceBook today!

I am the 53%

Unrelated (sorta) to the 53%, but a good read regardless!

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, ‘I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican’

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...